It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
