Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm at about main and main street
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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