I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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