what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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