he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
two words: eviction party
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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