Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
