So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
