Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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