Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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