Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
