I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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