Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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