I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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