Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
