It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
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