please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
