So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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