I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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