i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
