Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
