I need to stop coming to work sober
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
