Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
