i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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