my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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