how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
