if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
