Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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