im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
