The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
