ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
