Don't you send me to vm
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
