1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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