i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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