Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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