ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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