Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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