Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
