I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
are you so shy because you have an std?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
