her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dick very happy bro
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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