this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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