i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
