I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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