1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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