are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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