my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize