He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
