Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
