You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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