Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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