PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
