tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
