I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
