Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think people are normalizing furries
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
