did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
