Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
