I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
