I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
