When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
