I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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